Memories, Nightmares and Feelings

I have gotten use to comfort. I can longer be bored. The brain always seeks entertainment. The body always seeks comfort. Getting out of the "comfort-zone" is now out of the question. Days go by and I keep living. I should not be so negative about this change though. Remember that time when I wanted to kill myself? I no longer want to kill myself. It seems I have some dreams now. Even though I am unable to work towards my goals, atleast I have them now. Few months back I didn't even have goals. No reason to wake up in the morning. Atleast now I don't find myself fantasizing about my death. I have to change my current state and grow. That's the only way.  So far so good. It doesn't matter how you fall. It matters how you land.

Ever since 2019, the fear of death is real. Existential thoughts are more frequent. Questions about the meaning of life haunt me every other day. This is a good thing. Life has a new perspective. I know now that the beginning of the end is here. It is now. This is the beginning of the 6th mass extinction. Climate change will end my future generations (if I do pass on my genes).  Doesn't matter how it all ends really. My life is insignificant in the grand scheme of things. It doesn't matter if I life a good life or be evil. I will die one day and be erased of the face of this blue planet. If I leave no children behind, I will be forgotten. There is nothing wrong with being forgotten. So what am I going to do with my life? How do I want to live? That totally depends on me. Because when the end of the world or end of my life comes, it will be over in a blink of an eye. Nothing will matter. I will be one with the void.

To keep yourself from falling in love, prevent yourself from imagining the future with your partner.

It is the best form of escapade. Fantasising about suicide, not actually doing it. It's a beautiful reminder that life is finite. I had no control over my birth. It is important that I have control over my death.

Anxiety is a weird disease. It is a sinking feeling in the stomach, a lump in the throat, a feeling of cooking on your own breath, dry mouth, rapid heartbeat and a feeling of doom. All this and much more. I thought I had my anxiety under control but lately I feel it hard in my stomach. Deep breathing doesn't help much. Only sleep helps. But when I wake up it returns. What do I do with this feeling?